Cravats

As the sound of church bells falls like confetti over another springtime wedding, it's easy to look at the bright open sky and merrily raise another glass to the bride and groom. But all things inevitably fall back to earth. And as that Bells For All Occasions CD fades out, so the unsightly spectacle of the wedding march stumbles on in its traditional cacophony of excess. But one excess outshines the rest. Worse than the bride's mother's pheasant-head hat, more humiliating than those buttercup yellow bridesmaids' dresses, are the men's cravats. Perhaps it is traditional, perhaps those who snug them into their vests believe they have taken a step towards sartorial nirvana. In fact, all they've managed is a fair impersonation of a frog in heat.

Were the cravat limited to this carnation of all occasions, we could probably bear the burden more easily. But it is not. And I am not talking about the ancient cravat-wearing Latin scholar who browns his smoking jacket with cigar ash while propping up the oak panels at his gentlemen's club. Or the snake-hipped rock gods with a fixation on early Rod Stewart. They can do what they like. For mere mortals, wearing a cravat is a sure sign that you believe everything your mother says about you.

Putting the foibles of the male ego aside, women fare no better. In the 1980s, cravats, like the property market, ballooned out of all proportion, bursting forth from the necks of pleated blouses. Even today, a glance over the Channel has compelled a little silk to billow from a woman's neck. Cravats are to Parisian women what black trouser suits are to City girls, and it's always nice to leave the city of lights with a souvenir. But flowery cloth tied around your necks? Surely not. There is a fine line between Paris couture and looking like the Little Chef Fat Charlie logo. Veer away, please.

The twist in the knot is that a cravat may make you feel like a social connoisseur, a lifestyle gourmet—but who in their right mind wants that? Keep it simple. A tie is elegant; a woolly scarf is warm. So, the next time someone ties the knot, make sure it's not with a cravat.