Short trousers

Raúl Peschiera on fashion faux pas

Finally we can shrug off the heavy coat of winter and slip comfortably into our few weeks of summer. For me, it is a season of intoxicating afternoons filled with the twin joys of cricket and Pimms, settled on brightly clipped grass, under an impossibly blue sky. But like a viper among the apple blossoms, summer can turn nasty on you. With the long days and warm evenings comes the sudden, ill-fated urge to wear shorts.

Even the word leaves a bad taste: it is unseemly, with its dubious “shh” bubbling into a gaseous “ort”. If a word could be a person, “shorts” would be that big, hairy bloke by the poolside, scratching his chest and plucking at the hem of his too-tight trunks before slipping into the shallow end. If you’re swimming laps, do you want to touch his distressingly soft belly as you reach for the pool’s edge? Of course not. You want to give him a wide berth, maybe get out of the water altogether—better safe than very, very sorry.

Now before anyone starts spluttering about the right to feel the wind on their thighs, I won’t deny that shorts have their place. If you play sports, think shorts. But that’s it. A man in shorts looks like an over-grown, unfortunate child—with knobbly knees speared by long splintery chopsticks or set squarely on short, chunky calves that are about as agile as fence posts. Women fair only a bit better.

The younger set can only just get away with it, but once you reach a maturer stride towards your forties, face it: you’re not a dizzy-headed girl anymore. Wear a skirt instead—you’ll look better for it, since even the finest designer shorts takes you one step closer to joining the ranks of the gin, whinge and canasta set at the country club. Like the emasculated trousers that they are, shorts cut your youthful vigour at the knees.

So, if you haven’t already, drop this dreadful staple from your summer wardrobe. If it gets hot, wear linen, seek out the shade and—if you’re very lucky—try and cool yourself down with a tall glass of something iced. And for a moment, all will once again be right in the world.